


fighting with a true love is boxing with no gloves

by whats_up_zoya



Category: Nikolai Series - Leigh Bardugo, The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Angst, Book 1: King of Scars Spoilers, F/M, Light Angst, Love Confessions, Post-Book 1: King of Scars
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2021-03-07 07:07:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26349064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whats_up_zoya/pseuds/whats_up_zoya
Summary: Nikolai (and Zoya) angry (and angsty) love confession. Title is from the taylor swift song afterglow. also posted on zoya-nazyalantsov on tumblr
Relationships: Nikolai Lantsov/Zoya Nazyalensky
Kudos: 19





	fighting with a true love is boxing with no gloves

All characters belong to Leigh Bardugo !!

Zoya avoided Nikolai’s gaze from across the war room table. It wasn’t like her to be non confrontational but the Shu ring that glittered on his left hand said otherwise. It’d been a month since the wedding. She still remembered the way he looked at her from the aisle. His usually bright eyes looked sad and lost. She simply stared back, forcing ice into her gaze. She meant for it to be comforting, to encourage him to carry on. If he didn’t feel strong, she would be strong for him. He must have misread her expression because she barely saw him the rest of the night, save for one pitiful dance.

“We’re facing pressure on the Fjerdan border.” said Genya. “The First Army’s troops are having trouble holding the soldiers back.” Zoya was pulled out of her thoughts. She gathered the reports in front of her.

“We must fight them off. Nina says the Fjerdans are likely to use the weaponized Grisha soon.” she said, unable to keep the hatred out of her voice. It was disgusting how the Fjerdans were manipulating the small science. But she felt a sense of pride towards Nina, who’d risked her life for the safety of her country.

“We’ll reinforce our troops with some from Keramzin and the Shu Han border,” said Nikolai. “I don’t plan on pulling all soldiers from there but with our new alliance, we can refocus efforts to where they’re needed most.” His warm hazel eyes flashed to Zoya’s. Was he looking for a reaction? She turned her head. She would not give him one.

“We should think about putting some Grisha soldiers to help the First Army.” said David. Zoya saw the uncertain looks from around the room. “I don’t know,” he shrugged. “It was just a thought.” Nikolai nodded.

“It's a possibility,” he said. “If worst comes to worst, I’m sure the First Army will welcome the Grisha with open arms. Let’s wait for further information from Nina before we decide what to do.” With that declaration, the meeting was over. Nikolai caught Zoya’s eye as he stood, indicating he wanted to talk. It was clear that he didn’t want to talk about strategy or anything relating to her job. She turned her head away, as she’d done every other time. Now that he was married, they had to at least maintain some semblance of professionalism. As officers and officials cleared out, he cleared his throat. “General Nazyalensky, I’d like to speak with you for a moment.” It was a request as much as it was a command. There was a certain edge in his voice, she heard. It was void of the usual Nikolai cheerieness and much more cold. Zoya stood from her chair, face a blank slate as it screeched against the floor. She saw Genya and David exchange a worried glance as she made her way over to the king.

  
“I’ll speak with you later, Genya.” she said. The couple made their way out the door, leaving Zoya and Nikolai alone. He motioned for her to walk with him. They exited the room, taking several turns along different twisting halls before they arrived in the gardens. He was uncharacteristically silent, which caused worry to seep in, though she tried not to show it.

“Zoya,” he said. Annoyance. Hurt.

“Yes Your Majesty?” she asked. Frustration contorted his handsome face as he ran a hand through his hair.

“Stop.”

“Stop what?” She knew what he was referring to of course. She had no intention of stopping, however. It was for their own good.

“You won’t speak to me, you won’t listen to me, you go out of your way to even avoid looking at me. You’ve put up a wall between us-” He didn’t understand.

“Don’t you get it, Nikolai?” she snapped. “There is no us.” Pain. “At least, not like we were before.”

“That’s what this is about?” he exclaimed. “I’ve been sitting here for a month, begging you to spare a glance at me. Nothing had to change.” he said.

“It did.” she said firmly. “I couldn’t let myself pretend that we could remain the same after…” she trailed off. She had to choose her words carefully. “That’s the difference between me and you. You wanted to pretend that everything was going to be okay, that it would work out in the end.” The resentment in her voice was as clear as the night sky above them. She hated it. “It wouldn’t have been. Not for me.”

“Do you think this is any better?” he asked, gesturing between them. “Saints Zoya, I’m your friend, at the very least. You can’t just cut me out of your life.” She knew he was right but it wouldn’t stop her from trying.

“I don’t want to. I’m just doing what I know you won’t because it's best for the both of us.” she said.

“How do you know if avoiding me is best when we’re both getting hurt in the process? Neither of us want this.” he said.

“Can’t you just accept when something is over?” Secretly, she felt as if she was being torn to shreds inside. It started as a small feeling, insignificant yet searing. Then it burned like a flame, spreading pricks to the corners of her eyes.

“No.” The defiance in his voice sparked a dangerous ember of hope that she’d tried so hard to smother.

“We have bigger problems, Nikolai. The Darkling. Fjerda. We’re too old for this ‘will they-won’t they’ game.” she said, shoving past him to leave. He blocked the exit, catching up with her.

“You can’t just outgrow feelings. And it’s not a game. This is our life, yours and mine.” he argued back. She’d never resented his persistence as much as in that moment. “Is that how you feel, Nazyalensky?” They lingered by a rose bush, dew drops illuminating their petals in the pale moonlight. “Like everything between us is just a game? I can assure you, it’s not, but if your stubbornness refuses to allow you to believe that, I can’t force you.” He was upset with her, obviously. His words cut deep, like a jagged knife thrust into her flesh. Good, she thought. Maybe it would push him away. He suddenly took a step closer, catching her off guard, though she stood her ground.

“You know that’s not what I meant,” she gritted out. He glowered down at her, golden hair tousled from running his hands through it.

“Well, you said it,” Zoya sighed, frustrated at the situation.

“Nikolai Lantsov, you mean more to me than you could possibly know. Not only as my king, but also as my friend. Believe me when I tell you that what I am doing is best for both of us.” she said, hoping it would satisfy him. Judging by the look on his face, however, it didn’t.

“Stop pushing me away.”

“Have you been listening to a word I said?” she exclaimed.

“I’m not giving up on this. You can’t make me.” he said.

“Is that a challenge?” she asked. Arguing with him really drained her sometimes.

“Yes it is.” he said, exasperated. “Saints!” he yelled. “Haven’t you figured out I’m in love with you?” He stormed out of the garden, leaving Zoya alone. His words rung in her ears. He was in love with her. And deep down, no matter how hard she tried, she knew she was in love with him too.

“Saints,” she murmured. “What did I do?”

**Author's Note:**

> tysm for reading !! i love zoyalai lmao. feel free to send requests/comments/asks or whatev


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